Interesting that this prompt comes up this morning, shortly after I read this post by Opinionated Man, who seems to be clairvoyant and answered a question before it was even asked.
Anyway. I’m avoiding the prompt. Why? Because I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I have a horrible body image and am full of criticism and hatred of myself. It doesn’t matter what I actually am. It doesn’t matter how others see me. When your brain constantly tells you that you are fat, lazy, stupid, selfish, bitchy, moody, unattractive, mean, apathetic… it’s hard to feel anything but awful.
Which triggers the avoidance. Which builds walls. Which causes rifts in relationships, which prevents progress. The walls keep the negatives in, and the positives out.
How do you change that? How do you break those walls down? I can tell myself that those things aren’t true, that I’m a good person, I’m smart, I’m pretty, and yes there are things I am working on or need to change, but that doesn’t make me a terrible person.
I can do that. But how do I make myself believe it? My boyfriend says that I need to keep telling myself that. Keep saying it over and over and eventually it will sink in. But that sounds too good to be true, like I’m brainwashing myself.
I guess at this point, there’s no harm in giving it a try, is there? I mean, really, what do I have to lose? Nothing. It’s not going to make me hate myself more, so either my feelings stay the same or they get better. At least with those options there is a possibility of a gain, of an upswing.
So here we go.
I am smart. I am good at my job. My students love me. I bring a lot to the table and contribute with my colleagues. I am creative, I am a hard worker, and I am accomplished. I am pretty, I am strong, I have lots of love to give. I am level-headed and helpful. I am successful. I am good at many things. I am open to learning new things. I am willing to please. I have value. I have insecurities… but they do not matter.
My head still hurts.
But I am calm.